Grannies 12#07. Beyond.

graphite on paper, paper on wood board + frame, 2015

This is a portrait of a woman fiercely fighting against death.
Not because she was too young to die: she wasn't, she is - at the time of this picture I take her to realize this portrait (entirely made with graphite) - already in her nineties. And not because she was still enjoying the beauty of life: she has been forced to stay in bed for the last 3 years, indeed. And I don't think either because she was afraid, to die: maybe just a little in sorrow over leaving her beloved and only child, that happens to be my father.
This is a portrait of a woman who fiercely fought against death because she deeply, passionately and desperately loved life.
She didn't want to die because she loved to live. To laugh. To drink red wine. To travel. To do drama and sometimes act as a queen, being her the last girl of a poor family of 8 countrymen. To argue, especially with my mom. To go to the beach. To go to the mountain. To be proud of the achievements of this only child of her, raised up with a lot of hard difficulties, with little or no money, with that stubborn peasant's pride that prevent him to known his real father, to accept his help (and his money), just because she had been hurt and offended by him - once.
To live a life of many mistakes, a lot of good things, plenty of love and maybe some pain and a bit of regret. As most of our lives are.
When I made this portrait she was still fighting.
Sometimes she looked at me, knowing who am I, sometimes her eyes were already BEYOND, in another dimension, maybe. In another time. With other people. She always asked me about a daughter that I (still) haven't had and I'm not sure whether I ever will (could).
She sometimes spoke with people we weren't able to see. And she mixed up memories, past and present. But every time I asked her, she wide opened her eyes, as a child, and answered, nearly surprised, "I am NOT tired, I want to live. Don't cry".
When I take this picture and I made this portrait, she still was MY granny, my loved one.
Last time I saw her, she was already gone. BEYOND. She left just a little tiny body, so skinny to be almost skeletal. I can't recognize her anymore. She closed her eyes. At the end, she left. She left her firm grip on life, she accepted - maybe - to go - away, beyond, nowhere, I don't know. But without her eyes wide-open, as a child, I can't say whose this little body was, who was she. I can't recognize her.
Since my granny already left. With her gaze sometimes already BEYOND.
And, even if it's quite evident that she is already suffering, already dying, already fading from life, already leaving, in this portrait of mine, I think I've captured the last gaze on earth of my grandmother. The one with which she bids - us all - goodbye.

Made exclusively by graphite on paper, original dimension 27 cm x 29,5 cm, framed 50 cm x 50 cm

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